


Kirito and Asuna Get Lost

by NolanPines413



Category: Sword Art Online, Sword Art Online Abridged
Genre: Based off of SAO Abridged, Explicit Language, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-26 22:21:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10795917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NolanPines413/pseuds/NolanPines413
Summary: Kirito and Asuna go on a walk and get lost and shenanigans ensue.





	Kirito and Asuna Get Lost

“ _ WHAT  _ _ THE HELL _ _ DO YOU MEAN WE’RE LOST!?! _ ” Asuna screamed, stopping on the trail.

“I mean, I have no idea where we are.” Kirito shrugged

“Well check the map,  dumbass !”

“Oh, wow! What brilliant insight! I never would’ve thought of that! It’s not like that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past half an hour! It isn’t working for some reason.” Kirito opened his menu and pressed the map button again, only for static to appear on his Heads Up Display. “See?”

“You mean to tell me we’ve been wandering aimlessly this whole time only for you to just now say something?!” Asuna opened her own map only to get the same result. “Well, at least tell me you remembered to bring the teleport crystals.”

Kirito looked through his inventory, but couldn’t find them. “ Shit . I knew I forgot something. Better call Balls, I guess” Kirito looked through his friends list and selected the unfortunate username to message him, causing an error to pop up saying that the user was busy.  _ Alright then, what about Tiffany?  _ Kirito repeated the procedure and selected the conman’s name and decided to use voice chat.

“Hey, Kirito, what’s going on?”

“Not much, Tiff. Say, could you do me a favor and tell me my coordinates and how close the nearest town is to me?”

“Why, did the mighty Kirito get himself lost?”

“Cut the  crap , man. My map isn’t working and we don’t have any teleport crystals.”

“Wait, ‘we’? I thought the Great Black Swordsman was a solo player.”

“I haven’t been for a while now, you know that. So are you going to help me or what?”

“Well, your exact coordinates are all over the place, but I can tell you you’re on the 22nd floor. Shouldn’t you be on the 75th with your new Knights of the Blood Oath buddies or something.”

“See, the thing about that is, Heathcliff is negotiating with the King of Ashes and for some bizarre reason, he sent me as far away as he possibly could and, to make matters worse, left his second in command to watch over me.”

“ Fuck you too!!” Asuna shouted.

“Wait! You’re stuck with Asuna? Y’know what, I’ll send you a teleport crystal and I’ll get you out of there. I’ll even do it for free.”

“One, that’s  bullshit and you know it. Two, she has access to my inventory.”

“But you can’t do that unless… You didn’t. I mean I know you’re crazy and all, but this is a whole new low for you.”

“It’s a weird story.”

“Why would you marry Asuna?! What’s the matter with you? I thought we were friends!”

“Like I said, it’s a weird story.”

“Check with Klein, he’d probably be more willing to help and not think you were insane for marrying Asuna.”

“Already tried, apparently ole Ballsy’s somehow busy with something more important than me.”

“Well, I don’t know what tell you other than you’re on your own now.” Tiffany said and hung up.

“Ugh.” Asuna sat down in defeat. In the two years since she’d been stuck in  _ Sword Art Online _ , this was by far the worst experience she’d ever had, well besides the two months before she learned how to open her menu, and then there was Sheeptar the Sheep King that somehow managed to kill twelve players.  _ God, that was a stupid boss. _

“So, what now, Einstein?” Asuna finally spoke.

“I’d say we just keep wandering for now, we’ll have a better chance to find someone that way. Unless you’d rather just stay here and slowly starve to death, then by all means.”

“Alright, but we should at least leave a trail so we know where we’ve already been.” She opened her inventory and pulled out a sandwich, tore a piece of the bread off and was about to throw it on the ground before Kirito grabbed her wrist.

“Are you insane?! That’s our only source of food right now, and you want to use it as a trail marker!? Besides after a while it’ll just shatter. Then we’ll have no trail and no food!” Kirito unsheathed his swords and struck a tree, leaving an X in the trunk. “That’ll do a lot better, don’t you think?”

“Fine, we’ll do it your way.” Asuna opened her menu to put the sandwich in her inventory, but it slipped from her hand, landed on the ground, and shattered.

“ARE YOU  FUCKING SERIOUS!?!?” This time it was Kirito’s turn to scream. “Y’know what, let’s just keep going. The sooner we’re out of here, the better.”

Asuna nodded and they continued their search for a way home.

They continued on until it was almost dusk. Kirito marked an X on a tree and slumped under it. “So… hungry.” Kirito groaned. 

“Well maybe, if someone remembered to bring the teleport crystals.” Asuna retorted, feeling her stomach growl as well.

“Hey! You’re the one who dropped our food!”

“Let’s just rest here for the night.” Asuna laid under the tree and rested her head on Kirito’s shoulder. 

“Hang on a sec.” Kirito tapped Asuna’s head and pointed. “I think I see a house or something.” Asuna looked up and could see a faint light in the distance and a silhouette of a small cottage. Kirito stood up and helped her up. “We should go check it out.”

It took them ten minutes to reach the house. “Mmm. Something smells delicious.” Asuna said as they got closer. 

Once they reached the door Kirito knocked. “Wait a second.” Kirito smelled the door. “Is this gingerbread?” The door opened, causing Kirito to jump back. Inside the house stood an old woman with a warm smile.

“Oh, good heavens, you two must be lost to be all the way out here. Come in, come in. Make yourselves at home.” The old woman beckoned them inside.

_ She’s probably some sort of redirecting NPC for lost players. _ Kirito thought, but he still sensed something was off, and kind of familiar. They entered the house and looked around in awe. The entire house was made of sweets.  _ Seriously, what am I missing? I should know this.  _ The woman led them to a living room with a gumdrop sofa.

“You must be very tired from your journey. Come, sit. I’ll make you something.” The old woman headed to the kitchen as Asuna and Kirito sat on the sofa. 

Kirito sniffed the sofa, took a small piece out of it and ate it. “This house is actually made of food!” He broke off another piece and offered it to Asuna.

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

“You were the one who was complaining about being hungry a few minutes ago.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like this place.”

“What do you mean.”

“Don’t you think that this is all a little too convenient? I really don’t trust that woman.”

“She’s probably some kind of redirect NPC for lost kids.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t this whole set up seem a bit familiar to you?”

“What do you mean, we’re two people of unconfirmed age, but probably minors lost in the woods until we run into a house made of gingerbread inhabited by a kindly old woman who’s offered to make us-” Kirito’s face went white. “Are you telling me we’re stuck in some sort of Hansel and Gretel nightmare!?”

Suddenly, the old woman’s voice came from the kitchen. “Can one of you come help me for a second?”

“I’ll be right there.” Kirito shouted and turned to Asuna. “Don’t worry, I got this.” He got up and headed into the kitchen.

“Oh thank goodness, I dropped something in the oven. I’d get it myself, but I can’t bend down far enough to grab it. My knees are too old.”

“Yeah, sure. One sec.” Kirito looked into the oven. “I don’t see anything. What exactly am I looking for?

“A ring. You might have to look closer.”

“Don’t worry ma’am,” Kirito unsheathed one of his swords and began poking around.

“So, mind telling me how a ring ended up in your oven?”

“I don’t even know, I just dropped it.”

“Right,” Kirito stood up. “Did you really think I’d buy that?”

“What do you me-”

 

In the living room Asuna heard a deafening shriek coming from the kitchen and shot out of the sofa. “Kirito!” When she got to the kitchen, she saw the old woman laying on her back with a sword through her chest, struggling to cling to life.

“Wh- Why?” the old woman managed to say.

“Oh, don’t act like your plan wasn’t to eat us all along.” Kirito said.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, come on, like this whole thing wasn’t incredibly obvious.”

“Kirito,” Asuna chimed in. “She doesn’t have multiple health bars. She’s not a boss.”

Kirito looked at his victim and facepalmed. “Huh. Would you look at that. Heh heh. Terribly sorry, ma’am.” He took his sword out of her torso and sheathed it. “May I interest you in a health potion?” 

The old woman turned her head to her left and reached out. “At least I found my ring.” She then shattered into a million pieces.

“Good job, Kirito!” Asuna said. “Not only did you manage to kill a nice old woman, but now we have no way of getting home!”

“Hey,look on the bright side. Now we have a house full a food! That should sustain us for a while.”

The ground began to shake and the floor split beneath where the old woman used to be. From the crevice emerged a witch enveloped in a magical field that floated above the two. 

“What did I say!?” Kirito shouted.

“WHO KILLED MY SISTER!?” the witch shrieked.

“Wait, sister? First Hansel and Gretel and now the Wizard of Oz? What’s next?”

“Kill this thing first, nerd stuff later!” Asuna shouted.

“We’re trapped in an MMO, I’d say that’s pretty nerdy already. And besides, we’re on floor 22. It can’t be that hard.” Kirito was then hit by a fireball from the witch and flew through a wall, landing several feet away. “I stand corrected.”

Asuna drew her sword and started attacking the barrier. “It’s no good!”

“I have a better idea,” Kirito said, joining the fight. “Draw its fire! I’ll break the walls!”

“What?! But wouldn’t we be caught in that too? Besides, they’re probably immortal objects!”

“Maybe, but would you rather be killed by that thing?” Kirito said as he struck one of the walls, leaving a clean cut.

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.” Asuna muttered. “Hey, Ugly! I killed your sister!” The creature turned and shot a fireball towards Asuna, knocking her back. “Now might be a good time, sweetie!”

“On it!” Kirito ran on the wall, leaving a cut around every wall in the room. “Asuna! Get back.”

Asuna nodded and ran to join Kirito. The witch turned to them and let out another shriek before the walls collapsed around her, burying her in rubble.

“How did that work?” Asuna said once the dust settled and a giant message reading “Congratulations!” appeared above the debris of the kitchen.

“I honestly have no idea, I guess it was just one of those bosses that needed a special condition to die?” A message appeared in front of Kirito reading “Bonus Item. Good job!” Kirito checked his inventory to see the item. “ARE YOU  FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!”

“What is it?” Asuna looked at him, very concerned. A weird hat then appeared in Kirito’s arms. It was green with a yellow brim and had a pink ribbon at the base and glasses on it. It looked stupid, but Kirito did seem incredibly persuasive all of a sudden. 

Kirito immediately threw the hat on the ground and started slashing and stabbing at it. “WHY. IS. IT. ALWAYS. THIS.  GOD. DAMN. HAT!?!?!?” Eventually, the hat shattered.

Asuna slowly approached him as he calmed down. “Are you ok?”

Kirito turned around and collected himself. “Yeah, for now. I mean, we’re still lost and all.” Kirito opened his menu and found that he got a message from BallsDeep69.  _ Hey, Kirito, sorry about not getting your call a few hours ago, I was busy clearing 75. Y’know, Legendary Warrior stuff. Anyways, Tiff told me what happened, so I sent you a couple of teleport crystals, for both you and Asuna. Hope you two are enjoying your honeymoon and I’m looking forward to seeing you guys back on the front lines. ~Klein.  _ “Would you look at that. I guess old Ballsy pulled through after all.” Kirito took the crystals from his inventory and tossed one to Asuna. “A gift from The Legendary Warrior.”

Asuna caught it and fist pumped. “Alright. So, should we go home.”

Kirito shrugged. “There’s no reason to stay here.”

Asuna nodded and they held their crystals up in the air. 

“Coral Village!” They shouted and disappeared in a flash.


End file.
